I'm really missing my computer. It died in November, and there's not been money to replace it. Probably isn't worth getting the screen fixed because the tea that spilled on it a while back knocked out several of the keys... so fixing would probably be almost as expensive as just getting a new one. I've been using my husband's laptop, but it's annoying. Nothing is where I want it to be. I don't want to download anything, and I can't remember most of the links I liked to visit, since they were all favorites. I also don't really want to go hunting around on here, as I'm kind of concerned that I'll accidently stumble over his porn stash while our son is awake and paying attention.

Sometimes this reproduction stuff is for the birds. I love my son, and I'm going to love the little pod I'm currently incubating, but, I miss so many things I can't have right now. I'd love to curl up with a hot cup of coffee, spiked with a little amaretto, or schnapps and a good book. Or a cool glass of Reissling and some sushi. I'd love to have a little more energy to deal with T's breakdowns (not to mention the husband's breakdowns) and not feel like locking myself in a room and crying.

I miss the nervousness and uncertainty of the first pregnancy. Sometimes I would just sit still and focus on what was happening in my body. You can take a few minutes to do that in an office job, you can't do that when you have a toddler who crawls on you, or pulls you around every time you stop. Plus, this pregnancy is a lot like what I remember T's was like. Which means not much of anything going on, and the doctors looking puzzled because my body doesn't act like they think it should. I've already heard are you sure you're due date is right? You're bigger then you should be." Sigh. They had the same problem with T. I had so many ultrasounds with him because they had a hard time finding him. He just wasn't where they thought he should be. And, it looks like this baby is doing the same. (Which makes me think it has more to do with my strange body, then anything with the babe... which makes sense anyway.)

But all those things, everything being new and uncertain, I kind of miss them this time around. I suppose I should be happy that everything is so uneventful, and I am. It's not the uncertainty, but the first time, oh gods, this is amazing bit that I miss. Or, maybe it's just that I'm not taking the time to be amazed by what is happening because there are so many more things/people taking my attention right now. Maybe what I really need to do is take the time to be amazed by what is happening to me, to my body, and what the end result will be. I mean, it's probably not everyone who asks to go again almost as soon as their newborn son is placed in their arms.

Sometimes I get a great idea for a post or a story, but the moment I get where I can put it down it's gone. Or, I'll get so lost in my thoughts that I'll realize my fingers haven't moved in the last half hour and I've completely lost the thread that got me from where I stopped typing to where my brain currently sits.
It's times like those when I wish I had a ticker tape running out the back of my head with my thought pattern. (Sigh) And the rest of the time it's really better I don't, because I'd probably scare more people then I already do.
Part of the problem is that I want to try/do/learn so many things, and I don't know where to start or with what, so I try to start everything at once and end up with the 3 Stooges syndrome. Or, if I do have just one thing I want to work on, then I spend hours inside my head trying to figure out every angle, and if I get interrupted, well, it's back to the beginning with my thought process... which means, again, nothing really gets done.
It's kind of like I plan everything down to the inch, and then get derailed by the moment.
What's funny is that my family, the people who are supposed to know me best, think I don't plan. Mainly because they only know what I do, not all the extra stuff that goes on in my head. Then again, that might be for the best, since what goes on in my head, when it has come out, tends to befuddle them greatly.
Sometimes, though, I think I need a congreve cube, something I can believe in outside of my self that will help me believe in myself.
Or, it could all just stem from my perfectionism, and if I can't be perfect then why even start. (Which is just silly, really, but something I think most of us battle.)
Or, it could be that by the time I do get a chance to slow down and stop racing after a toddler, trying to get/keep the house in some semblance of order, keep up on the laundry, make dinner, and keep the household running on some sort of budget, that my brain is ready to fall out of my ears into any distraction it meets and just not work anymore. Hence getting caught up in all sorts of games and books. Though, I suppose the books are a good thing, since each book I read allows me to study story creation and different styles... or is that just a good cover on a bad apple?
Anymonkey, I've been up since before 6, and playing host to a genetic experiment is hard work on the body, so I'm going to wrap this up and fall into bed with a book until my eyes close mid-sentence. (Oh, the dreams I'll have tonight.)

Ooh! I had a last thought I wanted to include here, but I had to finish the previous thought and now it's lost. Sigh. Sometimes I need my brain to work.

I miss having long, inappropriate conversations with people. Dissolving in laughter over cups of coffee and being generally bizarre. (I'm dangerous because I look so normal and harmless... that's what my doc says anyway.)

Yesterday didn't happen, at all. I decided, shortly after we put the munchkin to bed, that I was done, pumpkinated, and went to bed myself. Around midnight, I woke up, talked to my husband, read a little, then went back to sleep. At about 5 I got up again, took a quick turn around the house, and decided that I could, and should, catch a few more hours.
So, writing - nil, exercise (other than pickup up a toddler constantly) - nil. Sleep, about 8 hours (which is rare for me.)

Of course, that meant that I was behind from the get go this morning. Waking up at 7:30 doesn't work very well with a child who regularly wakes around 7. Good thing he usually can keep himself amused before I come and get him. Plus, Thursdays are bill and pay days, and I like to start off the day by getting all of the money moving out of the way. But, we've been working on moving banks and today was the first day that the pay should have gone to the new bank... and I couldn't find it in any of the accounts! A few calls and text messages later I found out that it just posts later in the day then I'm used to, which means some adjusting on my part when it comes to pay day. Oh well, things could be much worse. Then again, trying to talk on the phone to a banker while you've got a screaming toddler trying to climb onto your lap can be pretty dicey. And, really, that was a pretty good indication of how the whole day went. (When the toddler wakes up from his nap and goes directly into a 30 minute temper tantrum, which seems to be resolved with a little BF, but escalates again as soon as the boob is removed, you know you've got a bad day on your hands.)

I'm debating about the writing tonight, since it's nearly 11 already and I'm feeling like dinner or something didn't quite agree with me. (Also, the 4th book of the princesses series is calling my name.) I did put in 15 minutes on the Wii, so at least I got back on the exercise wagon. This entry, however, will probably end up being my writing entry... and I'm not sure if you can really call it 3 pages. Tomorrow will be a bit of a different story, since the husband needs to be out, and on his way to work around 6, and munchkin doesn't get up until 7. Which means I might actually have an hour or so to myself tomorrow morning. (You learn to treasure those little moments of solitude when you've got a little one who MUST BE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. I never thought I'd be excited about being able to go to the bathroom alone, but now....)

Anyway, tomorrow is Friday. I'm looking forward to having a friend visit for a little while in the late morning. Not sure what the evening is going to look like yet. Either I'll have dinner with friends and kidletts, or we'll eat at home, and I'll get some mommy only time after the munchkin has gone to bed. Either way, I'm planning on a better day then today, and hopefully more creativity from these fingertips.
Night all!
I'm off to do a little reading about kick-ass princesses, well, kicking ass. :-)

So, I went to write my words today and realized something very important. Since my laptop is dead, and I will therefore be writing all of these words by hand (for the most part), it would be a right bugger to try to count 500 words each day. Yeah, so not worth it. Instead, I've decided to glump it all together and work on writing 3 pages each day. I could be more specific and say 3 pages of fiction, but I think the act of writing, of getting words out of your head and onto some sort of medium (paper, journal, livejournal) is pretty good and working on it every day will help create the habit. Which, hopefully, will help when you're specifically working on writing fiction... well, or any writing task, probably. (I guess that means I'm counting these words, and what I wrote in my paper journal earlier.) I'm still going to try to write a few pages of fiction, but it's late and my son gets up early. (And I still have diapers to finish washing, sigh.)

So, yesterday, after I finished posting that marathon of words, I worked out on the Wii for 30 minutes. I pretty much kept to the step workouts on the WiiFit Plus, with a little yoga and meditation to round things out. Then showered, read, and fell asleep. Today, I worked out on the Wii for another 30 minutes after we put T to bed and Kilted retired to the office to work. I've noticed that I tend to have all sorts of ideas when I shower, so I'm going to focus on doing my writing right after, even though my brain may not feel like it's in the best place at 9 P.M. From what I understand, getting creative ideas when driving or showering (not at the same time, please) is pretty normal. It's when you're doing something routine, that still needs some attention, that the creative bits of your brain feel like they can come out and play. I guess that's why I've always loved driving places with the radio off.

Anyway, digression. It looks like I'm off to a good start with my resolutions/goals. I just need to make sure I keep at it. Even if I just do the minimum each day, it's something, and can build to greater things later on.
As for now, I'm tired, but need to make sure I can get those darn diapers in the dryer before I go to sleep. Otherwise there will be a very wet and cranky toddler wandering around my house tomorrow.

Alright, so it's been over a year since I last posted. Time to change that.
Usually, when I start these new posts, I try to summarize what's been missed. I'm going to try to avoid that this time. (For one thing, way to much has happened. For another, I really don't want to go into it all.)

As is the local custom, I'm setting out some new year goals and resolutions for myself for 2012. I figure the best things to do to keep me honest and (maybe) on track, is to try to blog about them. I'm not the best about keeping up a blog (life likes to tug at my brain to much) but I'm going to try.

Goal 1 - Weight. Yup, I know, it's almost everyone's hot button. The difference here is, I'm not going to try to lose weight. At least, not in the first half of the year, seeing as how we've got baby #2 on the way. My goal for the first half of year, at least, is to maintain my weight. I started out overweight, so trying not to gain a whole bunch, while still eating well, is a good goal. That, and getting exercise. Ok, so maybe this should be a Weight/Fitness goal. What I'm going to try to do is to eat sensibly (no binge on chocolate, no matter how bad the day is) and work out for 15 to 30 minutes a day. I'm hoping that will help me not gain too much weight before the baby is born, and have the added effect of making labor a little easier. It will also make weight loss after the baby is born easier if I'm already in the habit of exercising and eating right. Which leads me to the Weight/Fitness goal for the second half of the year, when I'm going to aim for a 1 to 2 pound a week loss, which should put me right about my personal happy weight by 2013.

Goal 2 - Financial. So, I've now been a stay at home mom for about a year and a half, and I'm kind of liking it. I've never been a hugely social person, so being at home with a toddler isn't that big a deal for me. Besides, there's Facebook, and blogs, text messaging, and phone calls. The financial hit, however, has been... well, let's just say that this past year has been hard on our pocket book. Between car repairs and other unexpected expenses, our emergency savings isn't looking as pretty as it once was. With a second baby on the way, it doesn't make sense for me to look at going back to work. I'd only really make enough to cover day care, which would leave us in worse financial straits. So, the I need to look into what I can do from home, while the kids are asleep, that will bring in just a little extra cash. (Yes, wining the lotto would solve a lot of problems, but it's not very likely.) So, before baby 2 has entered the world, I need to find some way of generating a little extra money... or I need to sell some things. :-)

Goal 3 - Creative/Dreams. I've always wanted to be a published author, ever since I was little. I've gotten the normal flack for it. I've been told 'great dream, but what are you going to do to make money.' Which, to be honest, isn't really the most supportive thing to say to someone who wants to live off their creativity. But, that shouldn't matter. I need to get past it and work on the writing, not on whether or not someone supports me in my writing. The important part of all this is what I want and how am I going to get there. I need a writing goal. 500 words a day is doable, is pretty easy, in fact. The trick is going to be figuring out when and how. I'm a morning person, my husband is a night person (not a big deal at all), our son, however, is a morning person too, and is often away when I wake up. In an ideal world, I would get up in the morning, spend a few hours pounding out words with a cup of coffee and breakfast cooling next to me, and my son would wait to wake until I'd been sufficiently creative. That, however, is not what tends to happen. Instead, I'm usually waking up to my son babbling or crying in his room, and need to just directly into the mommy role. By nap time, I'm pretty much toast and just want to nap too. Usually, though, I spend that time doing a bit of clean up or trying to get things setup for the afternoon and dinner. By the time he goes to bed at 8, all I want to do is collapse with a book or play a few games on the computer and not think at all. By about 9 or 10 I'm ready for bed. So, the trick is, where do I squeeze those words in? I can try to get up earlier, but building a baby takes a lot of energy, and even on days when I wake before the dear boy, my first order of business is getting breakfast for the husband as he heads to work. Alright, I'm being negative here and need to stop it. My goal is to get the 500 words in each day, when doesn't matter, but before I go to bed I better have my word count done, even if they suck.

Ok, so, that's my plan. Eat sensibly and get in 15 to 30 minutes of exercise each day. Look for money making opportunities and take them. Write 500 words a day.
Oh, and blog about it, so I'm accountable for reaching my goals.
Looks like I'm in for a lot of work over the next 12 months. Better get to bed early. :-)

Ok, I know, it's been a while since I've posted here. But, between Facebook, Twitter (where I mostly just lurk), and my baby's website, well, I just don't have much to say here that I don't say in other places.
Tonight it's late, the boys are asleep, the cats are convinced I'm still up only to give them attention, and I've just caught up my backlog of words for NaNoWriMo. I want to post something more indepth then I can on Facebook or Twitter, but don't want to bother with creating a while new web page post with pictures and everything.
Wow, that was way more explaining then I needed to do, right. I guess NaNoWriMo has me being wordy all over the place... or, I could just be tired.
Wait! I had a point here, somewhere.
Oh, yeah, the OMG! moment.
I was walking around the house, resting between bouts of literary abandon, everyone else was asleep, even the cats. I though, what happens when everyone is asleep but Mom? Shit gets done.
Then I thought, Holy carp! I'm Mom!
I know, it seems silly. I've been Tristan's mom for then four months now. Before that I was an almost-mom for nine months. But tonight, with that one thought, it hit. I am Mom.
Mom used to mean my actual Mom, or my step-mom, but now, it means me.
Sure, for years I've been a cat mom, or played the mom roll for several groups of friends, but I was never Mom, with the capitol M. Not in my own head, not until tonight.
It kind of floored me, when it hit. A kind of happy, strange, over whelming sort of feeling.
My parents have said that I've never sounded happier, now that I've become a Mom. I certainly think it does suit me. I will admit that there are times when I am unsure of myself, but I'm pretty sure that comes with the job, any job, really. What I'm finding really amazing (other then my son, every single day) is how I have the ability to push any type of frustration or impatience to the back of my mind. How I do not get angry when my little one pulls my hair, or flails about and hits my face, simply because he can't yet control himself or his emotions.
Before I had Tristan, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to handle all the spitting up or changing or diapers and such. I don't do spit. Can't stand it. Nearly got sick during 'Titanic' because of that one scene. But I find that I don't really have that much of a problem being drooled on, or spit up on (it's not my favorite thing, sure, but I can deal with it fairly easily), or even the dirty diapers.
Of course, there are things I can't do now. Do not show me a movie where babies are crying or get hurt. DH was watching 'Contact' the other day, and I had to ask him to turn it off because I could not stand hearing the baby cry and cry and cry. I started crying and just couldn't stop. I mean, sure, it always did disturb me a little, but now I flat out refuse to watch it.
Well, it's late, and I need to try to get some sleep before my baby decides he's hungry again (usually around 4 am) and wants a little nosh (ie boob juice).
Night all

Hilarious!

http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/

The maintenance man at work is hawt!

heh. :-p

Who wants to come visit me at work the morning of 5/6/08?

We're shooting two small commercials, one for the Law side of the firm and the other for the Accounting side, on Tuesday and need some 'customers'. We're located in Villa Park and are fairly close to both Oak Brook and Yorktown shopping centers (in case anyone wants to go shopping afterwards). There's no pay in it, but you'd get to see me and, if that wasn't enough, they've offered to pay for lunch (there's a lovely bar next door with pretty darn good fair).

Let me know if you're interested. Sorry for the short notice, we didn't find out about the need for actors until today. Please let me know by the end of this weekend so I can let my cousins know.

There are no kittens in space...